Clear 2 Learn
Discipline and Success through Forgiveness and Understanding
There are many things that keep young people stuck in their current predicament. The one that stands out the most to me is how we view children and childhood in our society: We as a society have gone out of our way to make things easy for our children! We don’t want their “self-esteem” shaken, so we lower the bar, we minimize, we make things easier for them. We let them win in the mistaken hope that by making them feel like winners, they’ll grow up to be winners. What they’ve learned instead is that, “winning should be easy! If I have to work hard, then it’s too hard and it’s not fair!” Children are not stupid! All this softening the standards, and protecting them from disappointment has led them to believe that they should be able skate by all the time. They don’t have to work if it’s not fun.
They’ve never been held accountable before and they’re not going to be held accountable now, and somehow if they are held accountable, they droop! they fall to the ground with tears in their eyes and wait for Mom or Dad’s pity to pick them up. Poor babies! It’s easy to pick them up when they’re 2, and when they’re 5 it’s still expected. But what about when they’re 17? When they’re 30? How do you teach someone in their teens or later the value of work? How do you build self-respect in a person who has never had it and doesn’t even understand it?
…To be continued….
Why do we make the same mistakes over and over? Everybody knows a kid who’s a screw up. He couldn’t sit still in first grade and blurted things out at the wrong time. Despite the teacher’s best efforts he was always behind, always playing catch up, while being annoying and bothersome the whole time. Teachers and other students all heaved a sigh of relief if he was absent, and all but cheered when they heard he was moving, and perhaps felt a little guilty after he was gone. Poor kid: Wish I could have done more.
That same kid (usually boy, occasionally girl) will shuffle through the education system until he gives up and quits or the staff passes him through. He will be annoying and infuriating through middle school and high school, getting in trouble again and again for the same stupid reasons: he keeps interrupting, he cracks jokes while I’m explaining, he argues and riles everybody up, HE WON’T LISTEN!!!
It’s the sad question that no one has ever been able to definitively answer, and one that I hope to answer here over the next few days: How do you teach someone who refuses to learn? How can you teach a child to value his education when he doesn’t value himself? (to be continued)
So many people are depressed and lonely! We are struggling with our conscience. We are struggling with our past. We are struggling with our wants and needs and we are miserable. Many of us are control freaks! We are perfectionists and hate ourselves for not living up to the impossible standards we set for ourselves.
I am one of those by nature. But over the past few years I’ve learned to consistently put my worries and problems in God’s hands and it has had an amazing effect on me! I go about doing good, and trying my best and rather than obsessing and worrying before and feeling inadequate after, I am content.
THERE IS NO PERFECTION IN THIS WORLD!
If we can learn to embrace that and our own imperfect selves, we would be so much happier! How do we do that? We pray! We ask God to guide us and ask God to teach us. When we are worried about our children or our future, we can put them in God’s hands and give the authority and control to Him. It’s amazing how much easier life gets when we don’t feel like we have to make all the choices or have all the answers!
Sometimes literally moments after I pray I know what to do! I don’t pray for a specific outcome: I pray for God’s will! I pray for God to do what I cannot, and He always does! And so I pray like this:
Dear God, I pray that You bless me. I pray that You come into my mind, and into my heart, and into my soul, and that you change me into who You want me to be. Lead me God to do your will, and live my life to glorify You. Guide my hand God to make choices, and solve problems that will bring the greatest good. Guide me Lord to become who You created me to be.
Amen.
For years I dealt with fears and worries so strong I often felt like I couldn’t even leave my house. Fear interrupts your sleep, your work, your play and it can wear you down. Emotional trauma can really wear on you.
Some of us have been victims of some kind of abuse or trauma. Feeling powerless can lead to high anxiety and worry. I had to start trusting God and start forgiving before I could feel better. I forgave and forgave and forgave, and over time it truly changed my thinking. The hardest lesson for me was to learn to say the words regardless of how I feel! I would say something like,
“I forgive ______ for ______. As I hope and pray to be forgiven, so will I forgive,” when I needed to forgive others; and, “Dear God please forgive me for __________. I repent of my sin. In Jesus’ name I pray,” when I needed forgiveness for myself.
Do any of us really deserve that forgiveness? Probably not, but Jesus died for us so we could be forgiven. He’s paid for all our sins no matter what we’ve done or what’s been done to us, and when we start trusting in God through forgiveness it will make a difference.
As far as dealing with fears right now, praying and putting them in God’s hands will also help. I pray something like,
“Dear God, I am so burdened with worry, I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. I give my worry about _________________ to you. I know I can’t control my future, so I will put my trust you in you. I give my worry to you and ask you to come into my mind and heart and soul and make me into who you created me to be.”
Every time a worry comes, pray about it immediately and give it and yourself to God. Over time it will make a difference.
You also don’t have to be hostage to your thoughts and emotions. Interrupt them! Usually a sense of fear comes first and then the thoughts follow. Learn to recognize that fear and pray then! Bible phrases are great mantras to repeat in times of trouble. My favorite comes from 2 Timothy: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” And Psalm 23: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
I hope these prayers and thoughts are a blessing to you!
God bless us all!
I struggled with this very question much myself. Why do tragedies occur? Good people are struck down with cancer, earthquakes and tsunamis kill hundreds or thousands, and then there are wars. If there’s really a God, why would he allow so many to die so needlessly? Personally, I suffered a tragedy. My oldest son is mentally and physically challenged and has lifetime disabilities, and my father was killed in a hit and run pedestrian accident. I remember telling a coworker, “I don’t know if there really is a God.” He was horrified! He said, “Don’t say that! Lightening is going to strike you down!” I laughed at him. I said, “Oh sure, there are people murdering, raping, and bombing shopping malls and nothing happens, but I’m gonna get struck down! Sure!”
Well, I know there are many Christian brethren who will disagree with me, but this is how I see it: I tend to believe that God is ultimately in control, but the world is more like a ball that God set rolling, and not like a car that God drives. The bible does not tell us we will not face hardship, nor does it tell us that we will live forever. But it does tell us that God will be with us and God will save us. Remember, we are not our bodies! God wants us to be happy, and he wants us to enjoy the lives He has given us, but we are all going to die one way or another, and knowing and believing that we will go to the arms of a loving creator can fill us with a great sense of peace.
When we become hurt and angry and disillusioned we close ourselves off from God’s love and in the end we hurt ourselves. Do I know if there really is a loving God watching over me? Nope. But I believe! I’ve found that the times when I’ve forsaken my faith were the lowest and hardest for me. When I returned to God and opened my heart to God’s love everything else got easier. I hope you and I can forgive God for not making the world the way we think it should be. It wasn’t easy for me, but with acceptance came peace! My life is far better now than I ever thought possible and I can only look up in wonder and thank my Jesus, my Savior, my Redeemer, my God.
The best way to be a better anything is to learn how to love yourself just the way you are. We are a society geared towards change: “Lose 50 lbs in 6 months!” “Make a 6 figure income!” “Buy now with special 0% financing!” Change! Get more, do more, become better, become someone that people will envy! We often fail in our endeavors, but even if we succeed, we’re still not happy! Why? Because we’ve bought into the belief that if we change enough stuff on the outside, we’ll somehow feel better on the inside. Well the excitement of something new wears off pretty fast and then we still have to deal with ourselves or turn our focus to some other new project.
The only true satisfaction comes from within. Inner peace is a sensation that you can never find in material things. It has to start with you, and with me. Most of us are so used to being dissatisfied with ourselves we think it’s normal. It is not. learning to recognize our faults, or mistakes, and our shortcomings is the first step. We need to ask ourselves, “What have I done that I’m ashamed of? What have I done that I feel guilty about?” answering those questions gives us the space to ask God for forgiveness, accept that forgiveness and then forgive ourselves.
Before we try to be good to our spouses, our children, or our parents, we have to learn how to be good to ourselves. Forgive you! After forgiveness comes love. Love growing in such abundance that you may well be shocked because you’ve realized how amazing you are and how wonderful life can truly be.
Try it! If only to prove me wrong, try it and see! What do you have to lose?
I know there must be some people who read my message and say, “yeah, yeah, we already know! Forgiveness is great, but why do you keep talking about it? Everybody knows that already!
I agree! Everybody does know that. The problem is very few of us practice it. I can’t tell you how many good, regular church goers I’ve met who are holding grudges, fighting with spouses, giving up on their children and their marriages because they don’t truly understand and practice what Jesus came to teach us!
I’ll use the example of driving a car with a standard transmission. Conceptually it’s pretty easy: Push in the clutch, put the shifter in first gear, step on the gas to rev the engine and lift your foot slowly off the clutch. If you do it right, the car should take off smoothly.
Simple directions that even a first grader can memorize, but put someone behind the wheel for the first time and you will find that it’s not as easy as it sounds! Much the same with forgiveness. We all sit and nod in church. “Yes, ‘turn the other cheek,’ yes, ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself,’ I got it!” but knowing and doing are two very different things.
Like I mentioned a couple of posts ago, seeing the image of satan before me (real or imagined? who knows!) and feeling God’s love reaching through me in forgiveness to this most wayward spirit was amazing! If God would not withhold his love from one who has fallen so far, how could we be so proud to think he wouldn’t forgive us or even the people who have disappointed us? I understood in that moment from the top of my head to the tips of my toes that God’s forgiveness was not some finite and scarce commodity, no! It is a cup ever full and overflowing, and it’s there for the asking! When we pray in the name of Jesus, or The Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, we are asking God to honor the sacrifice of His Son and forgive us. Yes, even if we’ve lied, cheated and stolen! Yes, even if we’ve killed! No sin is too grievous or too inconsequential!
I usually say something like this: “Forgive me God, I’ve (lied, ate too much, yelled at my kids, hurt people, etc….). I repent of my sin. Please forgive me in Jesus’ name/the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.”
Then I take a breath, wait a moment and feel that peace wash over me and say, “Thank you God for forgiving me. I accept the forgiveness of God, and I forgive myself.”
Try it! What are you hiding? What are you trying to forget? Pray for forgiveness and the next time don’t wait! Ask immediately! Sin, pray for forgiveness, accept forgiveness. Sin, pray for forgiveness, accept forgiveness. When you cut out the guilt and shame, you begin to see yourself as a good person, and a good person will over time have less and less desire to do whatever bad acts that person used to do! You may have to forgive yourself 40 times for the same offense in a month (or 10 or 100, God has infinite forgiveness), but soon you will notice you’ve gone weeks without one slip up, and then suddenly you realized it has virtually disappeared from your life.
Don’t take my word for it! Try it! If it doesn’t work, what have you lost? God is waiting for you to open your heart to his love and forgiveness. Don’t cheat yourself any longer! Talk to God now!
Please do me the honor of letting me pray for you!
Dear God, I pray for my readers. I pray that you bless them. That you bring them peace, and joy, and happiness. Help them to recognize the power of forgiveness that you give freely to us. Help us all learn to love ourselves just as we are: imperfect, flawed, and beautiful. I pray that you guide us. Come into our hearts, heal us, teach us to forgive, and lead us to become the men and women of God you created us to be. In Jesus’ name I pray.
Amen.
So here we are. You know the basics of my story and I’ve probably affirmed for you many things that you already knew! I know the information I have to deliver is NOT NEW! Forgiveness has been one of the favorite topics of religion for thousands of years. The main difference between what I am writing about here, and what has been written before is the idea of putting this into practice on yourself first.
Yes, we should forgive others, but how can we do that consistently if we haven’t forgiven ourselves? We’ve all been weak, we’ve all made mistakes, we’ve all done bad things, and unless we learn to see ourselves as good and worthy, we will continue to want more, and chase all the trappings of success and still never achieve true happiness.
This is not some untested theory! Look around you! Think of people you know, and the richer are no happier than the poorer. Rich families have spoiled, selfish, sullen children, and parents that race around like maniacs all the time trying to make sure their children are insulated from any disappointment or sorrow. Then these parents who practically kill themselves to make their children’s lives an unrealistic fantasy land are tired and bitter because they have to do so much for a kid who is ultimately selfish and doesn’t even say thank you. Does that sound like anyone you know?
Then there are the less fortunate families. Single Moms raising kids. Kids who were unwanted, unplanned, and have been forced to grow up on the streets. These kids are just as selfish but for different reasons. They’ve been ignored or forgotten and have had to do without on a regular basis. They don’t expect life to be fair, and they don’t play by the rules. They cheat, lie, steal, fight, and whatever else they feel necessary because they know they will never have the kind of life that our society tells them they are supposed to have. They are selfish because the only way they’ve gotten anything is by taking it.
Am I stereotyping? Yes, I know that not all families operate this way, but as an educator I see more and more students who fall almost completely in one or the other category. The government calls for more rigor, and higher standards and accountability, but the answer will never be government mandated! The answer has to come from our souls. Rules and laws don’t change people’s hearts! We’re creating a world where EVERYONE needs a baby-sitter!
So how do we fix the failing family, the corrupt zoo of our political system, the cookie cutter, standardized educational system? It has to start with you! Yes you! Before you try to talk to your kids, before you call your congressman, I ask you to take a look at yourself: Do you realize how wonderful, how beautiful, how amazing you are? If not, it’s time to start forgiving! Forgive the parents who were less than perfect, the spouses that grate on your nerves, the children who are so aggravating, but firstly and most importantly FORGIVE YOU! Until you forgive you and learn to love you unconditionally, you will never be able to put everything else into place.
In our society we rush around trying to fix our problems, but the problems are just symptoms of deeper issues. It’s time to dig deeper and clear out the list you’ve been writing your whole life.
It was the last day of my retreat and I was having a vision. The beast was coming towards me and I was afraid. It was snarling and growling and baring it’s yellow fangs and despite my urge to duck and run, I stood where I was leaning against the wall. I began to pray. A peace fell over me and filled me that was so true and so complete that I don’t think anything could have broken it. It was the first time I truly felt filled with God, filled with the Holy Spirit.
In my mind I smiled and I spoke. “Yes, Lucifer, once God’s most beautiful angel, even you can be forgiven! I pray for you! I pray that you repent and ask God’s forgiveness. I pray that you learn to love as God is teaching me to love. I pray that God blesses you and forgives you and leads you back to the light.”
The image of the devil’s snarling face changed and its eyes grew wide with shock just before it faded away, but the peace I was feeling remained for days. Peace like a clear lake reflecting a starry sky, and so much more! From that day on, I knew that forgiveness was for all of us and in all situations! From the worst mass murderer to the child who lies to keep from getting in trouble, forgiveness is God’s gift and he is no respecter of persons! And so the tide of forgiveness began washing over me. Old hurts and angers, little annoyances, big betrayals were all forgiven as they occurred, or were remembered. Little by little, it changed who I am in the world.
And I do mean little by little! Forgiveness is a miracle, but it’s not an overnight miracle! By forgiving someone, you are able to treat them like a good person again, and if you keep treating them well when they’ve acted bad, it will have an affect on them, I promise you! I made many mistakes even after this revelation! But rather than punish myself and get sad or angry, I asked God’s forgiveness and I forgave immediately! IMMEDIATELY! Love and forgiveness followed by love and forgiveness has an amazingly healing affect! Instead of feeling like a guilty failure, you feel loved and cared for. Over time those who are loved and cared for eventually begin to feel worthy of that love and begin to act differently because they are learning to believe differently.
Soon after this retreat I decided to make up with my father. I talked and he listened. I asked him to forgive me and he did. I didn’t bother mentioning any of my old grievances because I had already forgiven them. I took my younger son to meet his grandfather. He hadn’t seen him since he was 6 months old and, of course now that he was five, he didn’t remember him. They visited a little, Dad patted him on the head and my relationship with my father was better than it had ever been. He was getting old and senile and he depended on me more and more. Soon it was as if our roles were reversed and I was the father looking after him, and I am so thankful that I was able to be kind and loving rather than still being the hurt and sullen son.
Two years later he was out walking to the grocery store because he didn’t drive anymore. He walked into a busy street and was hit by a Ford F250 doing at least 50 miles an hour. He flew over 5 lanes of traffic and landed on the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street. He had 37 broken bones, but never lost consciousness. I was with him every day in the hospital until he died, and I am so thankful that I had those last years and that time in the hospital with him.
Now and even right after his death, I had such good feelings, such peace that can only be termed divine: a Gift from God. I know it sounds strange, but rather than feeling sad, I remember all the things he used to do that so aggravated me and I laugh. When I tell my stories to my students and I remember my grumpy old man, I laugh with a smile on my face because there was nothing left unsaid, no hurt, unresolved feelings. I can’t even imagine how I would feel today if he had died and we’d never reconciled, if I had never learned how to forgive.
God teaching me to love and forgive gave me all the amazing blessing I have in my life today: My beautiful wife, my 5 wonderful children, my amazing career, and the hundreds of wonderful students that I am a father and mentor to on a regular basis. To be human is to have an amazing capacity to love. Forgiving frees us to express that love on a scale I could never have imagined just 10 years ago. I pray that we all can feel that joy and love, and learn to forgive those who have hurt us, even if some of them don’t deserve it; even if some of them are ourselves.
God bless you!
Steve
